i dont remember the first time i woke up in your bed because i was probably most likely really fucking high or coming off my high. there are things i hold really close and try to remember clearly because i know i will forget them soon enough.
1. i just met u, like a week or two ago, we havent fucked yet, we are still feeling things out in an open space. i come to your condo after work, we smoke, talk, watch tv, im probably already madly obsessively in love with u. u go and make a drug run. we crush up fifty xanax and snort them, mix them into coffee, lick the table. i forget what u were saying, but it was something along the lines of feeling guilt for not feeling guilty for killing someone. i wonder how does that feel. must be lonely. and maybe it being my worst fear to be alone but i move closer
2. several weeks into Us, we unsettle familiarity. not in the sense of like moving or changing something physically. u found needles, h, and powder. u called me. im at work and i immediately get into the uber and come over to your place. i threw away the needles, in a neighbor's recycling bin. we flush the h down the toilet together. we lick the powder off the kitchen countertop. somewhere in a drug haze it went wrong and u forgot ur medication and we are fighting, lost in a neighborhood of identical faces and i leave but not before you say i love u
3. i couldnt leave the bed. we said we would never do any drug consistently over the span of three days but we did. it was reasonable, we reasoned.i just lost my job. my hair was tangled and the room reeked of sex and tobacco. it was 4 pm and some horrible acoustic song was playing in the park by your house. i remember we complained about it for probably twenty minutes. i go Im hungry. u offer to go get food. No dont leave i dont wanna be alone, just stay. u bathe me and brush my hair and make me mac n cheese and we smoke a joint
4. it was only two days but it seemed like i had been away from u for years.  i had just officially been transferrd to the psych ward where i was supposed to spend the next 72 hours. the ugly stained walls and the irritating guy yelling at the wall drove me insane. my room was behind the tv. my roomate didnt speak english and sat on the foot of my bed at 4 am waiting to use the restroom when there was noone inside. i kept to myself but that didnt stop creepy brian,who had just been transfered from jail, from trying to put the moves on me. thank god for visiting hours and there U are, u sat through two hours of traffic and dealing with my angry family in the waiting room, alone, just to see me for an hour. and u still love me with my unbrushed unwashed hair dry skin and the mess we got ourselves into